Safe Words

It's been a while since I've posted to the blog.  I've been very busy with grad school and a full-time job nurturing three little Arab-American girls.  I've been journaling the process of socializing these girls and I plan to share it here.

But first let me address the topic of "safe language", as promised.

What is the safest thing you can say when you are at your wit's end, your child is in melt-down mode and you don't want to add insult to injury?  You want to help your child through her upsetness without aggravating the situation.  And, just admit it, you just want it to stop!

The first thing you can try is to describe what you are seeing - "You're crying".  "You look like you are mad."  "Your shoulders are scrunched up like this."    "Your eyes are leaking.  There is water on your cheeks."

By describing what you see, you are not adding judgment nor blame to the situation.  You are nurturing emotional intelligence in your child by describing the behaviors associated with certain emotions.  You can also say "Something happened?"  or "Something happened."  This sounds less blameful than "What happened?" or "I saw what happened," and then  you describe what happened. 

It is better for you to listen and reflect while the child describes what happened.  You also want to give the child a safe space to say what they are feeling and thinking.

Remember, the "heat of the moment" is NOT a teachable moment.  According to the techniques of Conscious Discipline, to which I ascribe, the child's reasoning faculties become disengaged when the child is under stress.  Therefore, any lessons you want to impart will be lost and you will end up feeling more frustrated.  The quickest way through the melt-down is to make sure the child feels validated and heard.

Reflective listening skills also work wonders in this situation.  You merely reiterate what the child just said. 

Child:  I wanted to play with that!
Adult:  You wanted to play with that.
Child:  Yeah!  But he wouldn't let me!
Adult:  He wouldn't let you.  Sounds like you really wanted to play with that, but he wouldn't let you.

Yes, it's really that simple.  You'll be surprised at how quickly your child will respond to you when you have acknowledged that you have heard what she's had to say, heard it accurately, attentively,and lovingly.  If you don't feel very "loving" at the moment - then FAKE IT!  Don't add your stuff to the problem.  Make your voice calm, no matter how you feel inside.  And finally - Q.T.I.P. - quit taking it personally.  Your child doesn't have the tools that you do.  So she may just be manifesting raw expression of emotion.  so - be the adult and QTIP. 

After the storm as blown over and everyone is talking, you can begin to reflect about what happened.  There are some simple phrases that help this reflective process:

"You wanted_______.    ex:  You wanted to kick the ball.
You did___________.    ex:  You pushed Billy down to get it.
___________ hurts.         ex:  Pushing hurts.
Next time try ___________."  ex:  Next time, try asking Billy, "Please move."

Or you can ask the child, "What else can you do?"


As a last resort, when you are also in melt-down mode, the safest thing you say is to use the describing technique - only this time describe what you are experiencing emotionally.  "I'm feeling so upset right now.  I'm breathing heavily.  My heart is racing.  I feel the muscles in my neck are tight.  My stomach hurts.  I'm trying to think of something to say, but I don't know what to say right now!"  Use ONLY "I" statements, in this case. 

Remember, this is not the time to teach your child a lesson, especially when you may be feeling upset, angry, frustrated, etc., yourself.  In the heat of the moment, your objective is to create a safe and accepting space where your child's feelings are validated.  You can deal with her behavior AFTER you are both in a calm state with warm emotional connection re-established between you.

Feel free to post a melt-down episode and we'll dissect it together!
Cheers!